i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
