The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
