Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
