i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
