Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
