Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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