That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize