I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
