The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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