go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
