everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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