I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize