Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you had me at cake vodka
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
