We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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