Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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