Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
