Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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