My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
