I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
