Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
