you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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