there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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