Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
