On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize