I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
