Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize