We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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