bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He has the fingertips of a God
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