Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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