its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
