You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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