mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize