I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
