someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
