i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
