You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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