he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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