You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
