community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
