if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
