dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
