hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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