She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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