She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
