I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
