saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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