dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
