theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize