Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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