The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
