you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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