mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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