i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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