I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
