just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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