dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
