with your own penis?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
