i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
